death

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Loneliness

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Alone I sit within walls of my own making

Wondering where all the people are at.

For the first time I can truly see

And the possibilities are unnerving.

My future involves others, and the Other

Lots of different others, I feel.

Yet I sit alone with the new sights and emotions

Wondering just what to make of it all.

Knowing I am being drenched in knowledge

But having no patience for the learning curve.

Not wanting to wait for the addition of understanding

To marry everything as one.

Destiny is showing her face

Beckoning me onto a path full of uncertainties.

“Look there,” Karma says and

I see what she means, however…

But I will be obedient this time

And go where they lead me.

Even though I am frightened and alone,

I am even more afraid of not following, not learning

The lessons I must learn

Because I don’t want to find myself here again.

Will this be the time old karma is fixed?

Will this be the time I ascend?

The finish feels so close at times, but

Is it bad karma yet again making me want to die?

Wanting to follow my brother down suicides’ path

Is stronger and easier than following destiny.

Especially when the hard edges of life

Press on my heart so greedily.

So alone I sit within walls of my own making

Pondering what I have left to teach and

More importantly, how hard the next lesson will be to learn.

~winged woman, 27 Mar 15

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From Fear to Light aka Peek-a-Boo with my brother

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Pssst.  Jare dsa qoiujd & znoornne aj fjksdf.  Vod6j g6 olkpj[6o.  Uy[j fp y[ssl6f6ujd jd[ 5l3  =;yj ???

Yes, I hear you speaking thru the veil, but can not make out your words.  Your time in this realm, the life you had, is gone.  It’s time for you to move along.

Nyero or xznouf l ouoeu aou q znm.  Ndn!  Uouctnej!!

No, you can not stay with me.  You need to begin again.  Please take with you the most important lesson for next time:  things were NOT done TO you, you created them yourself.  Things were the result of your own doings.

Uqeriop o cxznidfnej eoicuen qne e nvfjn njk rrgn gfdnr nvnkjl.

I know, you lost.  I understand you don’t understand that you lost.  What a novel emotion!  The frustration  and fear of the veil is one of the few things I understand.  Leave me be and let go of your anger and fear.  Move along with the others who you see passing.  Follow them.  Know that each step I take on my path will leave you more and more frustrated because I am moving slowly past you and away from your touch. 

Noreavr, o nvoufne u,ik is anenelud * 48nr aoiujr e anenendouv ej. Psst!  Psst!!  Gew k;ui rwe kellves ve sedi ;;yg;u!!

Just stop.  I’m not listening to any more of your whispering words.  I will help you find the way tonight.  I just need some time to read, to center myself, to create a space that will allow my energy to strengthen.  I miss you, but will not miss your whispers.  It’s time for you to start a new journey.  For now that is all I can tell you.  Leave me be, give me time to breathe so I can get strong enough.  Just stop your nonsense.  You lost the life you had and I will not allow you to hang onto me  and mine any more.

Vio;ti!!  Innjk!!!  Nop, enov e morm ovf p nboeudfe!!!

  Yes, for once I have the power in our relationship and can now see that your anger comes from a place of fear.  Which means I no longer have need to be afraid of you.  Don’t get use to it….just get.

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 ps., thanks grandfathersky for helping me find courage

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Three Revised

A cousin, a brother, things happen in 3’s

Hoped death would come next for me

Instead my Pa went down that dark path

Wriggling and writhing in alcohol’s grasp

So I mourn again and again and again

Left still wishing for my silly own end

I know God is near, perhaps Goddess too

Laughing at this human who wants to be through

Asking to be taken from this nightmare of life

Wanting to be finished with all of the strife

They must have some grand plans for me

To keep me in hell instead of giving me leave

My heart and soul long for my sister dear

Cries out because she won’t let me near

She reads all my words wrong and so false

I don’t like text, I would much rather talk

Chest crushed by the weight of my grief

I no longer have her to help find relief

“Think on good things, believe in good luck”

Sunshiny people need to shut the hell up

They’ve no idea where I’ve been or am going

I’ve had loss of all kinds and the tears are flowing

Platitudes are not going to cut it this time

The best kind of healing comes from these rhymes

Here I am free to be depressingly me

No one judges, no one expects all glee

I can write and rant and know there is another

Who has felt this or seen it one way or the other

Compassion, yes.  Understanding, check.

And reminded the world is in chaos yet

My own battles start to seem very small

‘Tho my pain is amplified by poets who stand tall

I see they are writing about much bigger issues

So in elegant ways, they provide me with tissues

Which help to stop my self destructive wins

Like pulling and picking and scarring my skin

So thank you all for being who you are

For writing poems that take me so far

Away from my existence mundane

To view life from a much higher plain

For carrying me along with your tales

Which help to finally silence my wails

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The Giver

A phone call with news that took away all her breath

Scant details, but announced her big brothers’ death

She had got to know him once, long ago

He killed a man and was in prison six states below

They had random visits thanks to a sister by half

She enjoyed their time, their talks, shared laughs

A trip to pick up mail brought tears and a strain

The small, heavy box was marked “Human Remains”

She drove out in late evening, camped alone in the dark

Got to a crossroads and made the left choice to park

With tie-died blanket, photos, letters, and beer

She created a shrine, centered on the box that held the one she held dear

She wailed – truly wailed – and wrote him one last time

While the ravens and river otter watched, bees busy at hive

She slowly unveiled his remains and waded into the river

And in gentle arches she released him back to The Giver

D n A

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Blurred Line

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Oil and water

Clearly defined

A line between lain straight

Was my mind.

My brother is killed

The monster awakened

The line in my mind

Is violently shaken.

Oil and water

No longer are clear

The line has been blurred

I’m losing what’s dear.

In a spiral I whorl

Down into what is

The blackness of depression

Which only takes, not gives.

Oil and water

Colors come at great cost

Here in this gray void

Where I find I am lost.

It never matters tho

Try and try as I might

One thing is sure

I am stuck in the night.

Oil and water

Shaken is my mind

My brothers’ death

Has blurred the line.

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His-tory

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We loved and fought,

You carried me through,

I knew not what I was to you.

You went your way,

I made mine,

I did not know there was so little time

A baby,

Some bars,

You had none, yet kept mine from harms.

New beginning, new promise,

A life yet to live,

You had so many chances, but choose not to give.

Broken promises,

Lost hope,

Thinking of nothing but dope.

Hurt mom, hurt sis,

Why they ask,

They don’t warrant a glance.

Dead body,

Dead field,

No answers revealed.

We loved and fought,

You carried me through,

I still do not know what I was to you.